A Gift of Time

Yesterday, August 7th, was my wedding anniversary. It would have been the 43rd if Covid 19 had not taken my late wife Michelle back in 2021. It has been sort of odd to be here alone over the last four years as August 7th comes around in 2025. We enjoyed being married to one another and we used to look forward to celebrating another year together. Now, to be honest, I hope to get past it without going into a dark place emotionally and hope to remember many of the “good” parts of our marriage and avoid the “bad” parts of her passing.

It is not easy.

Many people I reached out to when I was at the beginning of my grieving process told me that “Time Heals All Wounds.” I thought it was a horrible platitude, and it did me no good whatsoever. In fact, it ranked right up there with “You Have a New Normal Now” with reasons to throat punch someone. But I knew they meant well, and they probably felt they were helping. Most people want to say something/anything to make you feel better. They have good hearts and hate to see a friend in pain and just say the first thing that comes to their minds. For the record, I have not punched anyone to date, and I do appreciate you that reached out but, in some cases, silence speaks volumes. In my opinion and experience, no one can say anything that will “make it better.”

Another saying I heard over and over and over and over was, “Everyone grieves differently and there is no set time for you to get over your grief.” I would roll my eyes when I heard this one too, but this one turned out to be very helpful and actually very true. At first, I thought it was trite and was just giving weak people an excuse to stay in the fetal position for as long as they wanted to without judgement.

I was wrong.

Each August that has rolled around after her passing has been incrementally better from a grieving perspective. The first one was incredibly hard, and I started dreading it a month or so prior. When it got here, I attended all the family events, but I left as soon as it was over and went back to my house to grieve alone. I was not a lot of fun to be around, I’m sure.

Coming back to the house was tough because it was like coming back to a haunted house. Memories of her were everywhere. It was like living with her ghost. Her clothes were here. Her office was here, and it looked like she had stepped out for a minute and would be right back. I had to close the door to avoid being crushed daily. All the things she did I now had to do, and I was terrible at what she did with ease and excellence. I instantly appreciated all of that more than I ever had when she was alive. I slept in the same bed. I saw her cars in the garage. Mail would come addressed to her. Details had to be cleared up and people had to be notified which meant I had to tell the story all over again which would kick start the grieving process over from the beginning. One step forward… Two steps back.

Year two was more of the same but I did notice that the “sting” had lessened some as August came around. That year I just wanted to be left alone and be by myself. I retired early from work and spent a lot of time traveling by myself. Anyone that knows me knows that is not how I typically am. Prior to her passing, I was a serious extravert that loved being around people. The more the merrier. More people to hear my goofy stories! I now had to deal with managing my “social gas tank.” I had never had to do that before and frankly didn’t know how to do it well. I limped past August and took a big sigh that it was over.

I felt that year three was where I felt that “real progress” was starting to happen. There is a term called “ambush” in grieving that basically is being hit out of the blue with grief or a memory that was totally unexpected that puts you down for a few days (in my case anyway). There were fewer of those and when they did happen, I was truly surprised. I expected them in the first two years, and it happened frequently. Not so much in year three. I started adding more social events to my calendar and felt that I knew when it was wise to go or not go to an event. I had become pretty good at knowing when the “tank” was getting low and that it was probably a good idea to skip something. I also got to a place where I truly didn’t care what others thought. If they didn’t get me that was a “them” problem and not a “me” problem. This seems minor to you maybe but as a “people pleaser” it was a major step for this tire builders’ kid from Akron.

Most people have been very patient with me as I have traveled on this journey that I wanted no part of. There have been a few that have not been, and I do not spend time with those people much anymore. I have tried to de-stress my life as much as possible and in year four my goal was to heal up physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’m finding out that it’s a big project for one year! I even started to date again, which has been both wonderful and challenging at the same time. To even consider that there might be another woman for me has been a major change. I honestly thought that part of my life was probably over. It is great to have someone to care about and think about.

Today’s blog is about A Gift of Time that I have been blessed with and how I came to appreciate that as I am chugging through year four. There is no significance to four years other than the changes I have experienced. I hope you stick around for the rest of the blog, and I appreciate your time to give it a look. The truth I have discovered is that everyone does, in fact, grieve differently and that there is no time limit on “getting over it.” I hope it helps you too.

But First…A Joke:

A woman was shopping in the mall with her 8-year-old kid. A display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye.

“Do you think Daddy would like this?” she asked, pointing to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

“No way,” the child replied. “Daddy would NEVER wear that.”

Bonus Dad Joke:

Q: What do you call a fish with no i?

A: Fsh.

A Verse to Contemplate:

Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, Lord, have not abandoned those who seek You - Psalm 9:10

Have I Told You This One?

Back in 2021 and 2022 (Year 1) my days seemed to last FOREVER! I could not stop thinking about what had just happened to us/me. Because I was not allowed to be with her at the hospital due to Covid 19 protocols my mind wandered into some dark places about what really was going on. Was she in pain? Was she afraid? Was she mad? Did she call out for me or the kids? I could not sleep and didn’t for about two years. I was put on medication to make me sleep that didn’t work. I was a torn-up mess to say the least. People told me to be prepared that I would have dreams about her. I’ve never had one.

People would come by or call and say that time heals all wounds. Well, that’s great but to be honest the thought of having to go through years and years of living like this was terrifying and depressing. They put me on medication for that too. It didn’t appear to me that my wounds were anywhere near healed but the pharmacy sure was getting rich from me. When do my wounds start healing?

Fast forward to August 7, 2025.

As my wedding anniversary rolled around yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised that I felt strong during the days leading up to it this year. It got me thinking about A Gift of Time of the past four years. Although the progress was so small at times it did not feel like any was being made, I can now look back and celebrate that I am no longer where I was. In fact, I’m in a much healthier place and I feel blessed to be where I’m at versus feeling like I was cursed or being tormented just four years earlier. The difference is quite amazing. I can see the progress that has occurred, and it is significant. I’m not doing cartwheels or anything, but the difference is stark. I still wish it had never happened but that of course was out of my hands.

I cancelled most activities I had planned yesterday except for lunch with a mentor and a doctor’s appointment I had to keep. I really didn’t feel like socializing much and wanted to be still and reflect on Michelle, our marriage and on where I was in the “process.”

What is it about the passage of time that is so healing?

I think to be given time each day is a blessing. We do not know when our time will be up. Michelle sure didn’t. She got sick on our anniversary, was admitted on her 60th birthday and 12 days later she was called to her eternal home. To some, 12 days would be a lot. For those that died suddenly in an accident, 12 days would have been time to prepare. To us who expected to live out the rest of our lives together, 12 days was a flash of lightning.

A Gift of Time was given to me to heal from a traumatic tragedy that I did not see coming. My Heavenly Father knows me intimately and knew it was going to take me a long time to process all of this. I have concluded that it will never make sense to me. The timing, the way it happened, the reason, the purpose. None of it makes any sense to me.

But because of this Gift of Time, I can come to a place where the WHY? questions have stopped. The medications are no longer prescribed. The nights are no longer FOREVER. I am no longer mad at God. I am no longer living in a haunted house with her ghost. The cars are no longer in the garage. Her office has been replaced. I can sleep on both sides of the bed. I am much better at doing the things she used to do for me/us. I can go to church and worship without being so pissed off that I refused to sing and interact with other believers. I’m no longer mad at her for leaving me alone. I am also spending time with my friends and family and enjoying it. I am thankful and grateful and looking forward with hope. No longer dreading getting out of bed without a purpose.

Without a doubt, August 7th will always be a milestone day for me. As I head into year five, I feel the best I have since Michelle’s passing. I’ve still got a lot of work to do physically, spiritually and emotionally but with A Gift of Time from God and the blessing of great family and friends, I feel recharged for the first time in a long time.

Thank you, Father, for being patient and loving with me over the past several years. I appreciate more than words can express the Gift of Time you are providing for me (and many others).

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, I have discovered over so many failures that it is true - I am fueled for life when I cease running and rest in Your presence. I am so grateful You have always patiently waited for me to come to that conclusion in my searching. Draw me to Yourself in a way that I will not be able to resist and stray. Amen.

Book Recommendation:

Chase the Lion (If Your Dream Doesn’t Scare You, It’s Too Small) by Mark Batterson (2016)

Music Recommendation:

Corridors of Power by Gary Moore (1982)

Quote of the Day:

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

Cool Place to Visit:

Honolulu, Hawaii