Those Eyes

Today is the anniversary of an event in my life that I will never forget. No matter whatever else happens in the time I am blessed with, August 22nd will always be a day that I will remember. My late wife Michelle passed on the day back in 2021 and it changed my life forever. It changed me in so many ways, and I have been quite surprised by some of it. There have been things that I expected to happen and others that came at me out of nowhere.

People pass away every second of every day and that will continue until there are no more days. One day my name will be pulled, and I will join the billions that have gone on before me. I know this, you know this, everyone knows this. That is part of the deal we sign up for the minute the doctor smacks us on the fanny and welcomes us into the world. However, knowing something is coming (no matter how life changing it will be) and dealing with it are two completely different things.

Today marks the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life. I lost the love of my life that I had known since we were kids. I met her when I was 15 and she was 14. We were a couple until August 22, 2021, at about 1:30 in the afternoon in the Kennestone Hospital Intensive Care Unit (ICU) when I witnessed for the first time life leave the body of another human being. In this case, the person I had devoted my life to and had children with, fought the battles with, struggled and celebrated with, and the last person on the earth that I wanted to leave me.

I will never forget walking out to the parking deck alone holding her clothes in one hand and her wedding ring in the other. As I sat in my car, I was completely numb. My mind raced as to what I was going to say to the kids, her mom and her sister when I got home. I didn’t want to start the car. I have been a very responsible person my whole life up till then, but I wanted to just drive in the opposite direction for a hundred years than go home and face all of them. But I knew what I had to do.

In the 90 minutes or so that the hospital found it in their caring hearts to let me spend with my dying wife of 39 years (plus the seven years we dated prior to marriage) after being there for 12 days (sarcasm added), I remember holding her hand and looking into Those Eyes. I remember begging God to please open Those Eyes so that I could see her. To gaze at her one my time to be awed by her beauty. Those Eyes had looked at me so many times. Some of those times, they were happy, sometimes sad, sometimes rolling, and sometimes they were burning holes in my forehead because of something stupid I decided to try. But I will always remember how kind they were, how blue they were, how caring they were, how forceful they could be. I also remember sitting in another ICU after she had her kidney transplant holding her hand and waiting for her eyes to open and see me so I could tell her the kidney was working!

Those Eyes indeed.

I remember on our wedding day just staring into Those Eyes in front of the church and how we got into tunnel vision and just enjoyed the moment so much as we started our life together. I remember the worried look in Those Eyes when she was caring for her dad as he was close to death and the hurt in Those Eyes when he could no longer fight and passed away. I remember the excitement I saw in Those Eyes after each of the girls were born and when she got to meet her two grandsons. I get to keep seeing Those Eyes when I look at our girlies and that gets me through some of the tougher days.

Today’s blog will be a look back of sorts as I reflect on my many blessings to be her boy and then man for almost 50 years. A few stories about our history and looking at her beautiful eyes and soul. Thanks for going on a little nostalgic tour with this Tire Builders’ Kid. I appreciate you coming along and thanks for indulging me for a little while.

But First… A Joke:

Two old women are sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. “You know,” one of the women said to the other, “I’ve been sitting here so long, my rear end fell asleep.”

The other woman turns to her and says, “I know! I heard it snoring!”

Bonus Dad Joke:

Q: What do you call a man with six fingers?

A: Four fingers short.

A Verse to Contemplate:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit - Romans 15:13

Have I Told You This One?

As I was thinking back as today was approaching, I have to admit that I didn’t sleep very well over the past few weeks. Just having your mind flooded with memories can be exciting as it took me back to what seems like much simpler times.

An Old One:

One of the memories was the first time I went over to her house to see her and meet her parents for the first time. I had recently asked her out to the Valentines Day dance coming up at school and her parents said yes but wanted to meet me first. Up to that point, I had not met her face to face. I found her picture in the school yearbook and remembered meeting her once back in grade school. As my eyes were going through the yearbook my eyes connected with Those Eyes in her picture, and I never turned another page in that yearbook. I was stopped dead in my tracks. The next day I called her and now I’m going to meet her for the first time (and her parents and family).

I got to her house, and I knocked on the door. The door had some curtains covering the glass windows and I could not see her as she was coming to the door. My eyes were glued to the window when, finally, I saw the curtains move and I got my first peek at Those Eyes. If I had been wearing a heart monitor that sucker would have been beeping and all the red lights and horns would have been blaring. I’m not sure if there is a thing called “love at first sight” but that day sure felt like it. The rest of the evening was me trying not to get caught staring at Those Eyes. We went to the dance a few weeks later and stayed a couple of 46 years.

A Newer One:

I worked professionally for 40 years. As many of you know, over that long period there have been ups and downs in business, markets, products, etc. During those ups and downs companies decide to restructure, sell, expand, contract, or sometimes even go out of business. It is the risk you sign up for when you become a professional whatever.

On one such period, I could sense that the company I was working for was starting to struggle due to some shifts in the marketplace and demand for our services. Rumors had been rampant that layoffs (firings) were likely, which turned out to be true. I had been coming home most evenings stressed to the maximum because I really needed the money, I was making to support our growing family.

Long story short, I got called into HR on a Friday afternoon and was told that I was about to become a past employee of the company. While not a surprise it will still rock your world when it happens. I remember feeling like a failure and worried about how I was going to tell my family about the recent developments. When I got home from that day, she could see in my eyes that it had happened. I didn’t have to say a word. She could see that I was crushed. I had feared looking into Those Eyes and seeing her disappointed with me but instead I saw love and compassion. I wanted to continue beating myself up and spew all my plans on her for getting back on my feet. She just stopped me and said, “I believe in you, and we will come out of this better than we ever were.” I then looked into Those Eyes and knew immediately that she meant what she had just said. She also told me that she loved me and that she would never leave me. We did bounce back and ended up way better than we were. There is no way to measure the impact that had on me for the rest of my life.

I am in a way better place than I was on August 22, 2021, but it has been a fight. My family and I have been fighting through it for four years now and when August 22, 20XX comes around I hope you see me/us giving it all kinds of hell. We Rutledge’s are fighters, and we will fight you hard. We do not quit so you had best bring lunch. I hope she is proud of us. God has been kind to me/us. I am thankful for the years I was blessed with and for the life He gave to Michelle and me.

I was driving home today and one of her favorite songs came on the radio, Your Song by Elton John, and I had a moment. The lyrics to the song are as follows:

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money, but, boy, if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, heh, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song, and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple, but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well, a few of the verses, well, they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple, but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

The last verse always gets me when I think of her when the song goes “Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen.” Today was no exception. Her absence got the best of me. I caught a glimpse of my eyes in the rear-view mirror, and they looked a little glassy and red. It wasn’t the first and will not be the last time it happens.

I miss seeing Those Eyes of hers.

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for Michelle’s life and the love you gave us for You and each other. Thank you for the time I got to spend with her and the life we were blessed to share. Help me to remember that I can do nothing in my own strength, no matter how hard I try. You know everything and have had a plan for each of us from the beginning. Give me the wisdom to ask for Your power to be poured out into my life. I’m exhausted trying to figure this out. What an honor it is to be a witness for You to my family, my friends, my community, and to the ends of the earth.

Book Recommendation:

My Upmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (1935, 1963, 1995)

Music Recommendation:

Only CDs she ever had in her car…. EVER:

Portrait - The Music of Dan Fogelberg - From 1972 - 1997 by Dan Fogelberg (1997)

History - America’s Greatest Hits by America (1975)

Chicago IX: Chicago’s Greatest Hits by Chicago (1975)

The Eagles: Their Greatest Hits by The Eagles (1976)

Greatest Hits by Elton John (1974)

Running on Empty by Jackson Browne (1976)

Quote of the Day:

“In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.” - Kathleen Norris

Cool Place to Visit:

Goodyear Metropolitan Park, Akron, Ohio