Broken Hearts Don’t Always Mend

Hey! What is happening? Do you still remember your favorite wayward blogger? It has been close to two months since I sat down to share a thought or three. After going back to work in mid-January, I have been busy and honestly have not felt much like writing. Not sure why. The bug hit me this week, so I am happy to report that I found some inspiration, although it came in an odd package.

‍On my way into work the other day I heard a song played that was popular when I was in college (back when the earth was still cooling) called “Just Between You and Me” by the Canadian rock group April Wine which was played often back in 1981 when it first came out ‍(Side note: The video for the song was played on the first day MTV started). As I settled in to listen, as I was stuck in traffic, one of the lyrics jumped out to me which goes: “Broken Hearts Don’t Always Mend, Left Too Unsure to Try Love Again.”

Now, if you know this song, you already know that it was one of thousands of sappy love ballads that hard rock bands put out to get exposure to MTV in the hair metal days of the 1980s. I let the song drift in my mind as I mulled around the line about broken hearts not always mending and gave a nod of my now follicle challenged head. I know the context I am using is not the one it was written for but nonetheless it got me thinking about how hard it is to fix a broken heart, especially one that got crushed.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When my grieving started back in August of 2021, I decided to memorize that verse (and others) that deal with grief and broken heartedness.

Broken Hearts Don’t Always Mend

It is coming up on five years since Michelle passed. I have learned a lot, and I have grown a lot over that time, but I know that I am not “over it.” I am sure now that I am never going to be. However, I am in a place where I am dealing with all of it in an effective way. Grief hurts because the person who would have helped you survive is gone. I have learned to live with being on my own and how to deal with loss, but it changed me for sure (have I mentioned that?). I have had to learn to love and embrace my life once again but now as a different person alone.

Michelle recently received an award posthumously for her work as an Athletic Director and I accepted it on her behalf. I said a few words to the young people in the room that have never met her and knew nothing about her. I also thanked the organization that presented her with the award and the school where she worked. They were both very respectful and generous. I was proud of her, and she would have been pleased. She did not normally get too excited about things like that, but I know she worked hard and wanted to succeed and be respected in that position.

Recognizing her achievements and talking about something real brought her back to life in a way. It was genuinely nice but one thing that I did not expect was that it stirred up all those emotions that I had somehow learned to suppress and move past so that I could function once again. I had not had a grief “episode” for a long time and thought I was beyond all of that now, but the following few days reminded me of how hard it was in the beginning to be without her.

I have learned that grief does not follow a timeline. The first birthday, anniversary, whatever, without them is tough. The first event or party where the chair next to you is empty. The first time you laugh and feel that stab of guilt. Or the day a memory hits so sharp it takes your breath away. Those do not end but over time they come around less frequently. That day it returned and it took me some time to readjust.

Broken Hearts Don’t Always Mend

I started dating a while back and I am always acutely aware of the tension in the room regarding what and how much I should speak of her to my date. Some of the women have told me that she is too hard to follow and they are not sure I am ready for another relationship yet. I understand their feelings and I appreciate their feedback, but I disagree. I believe I am ready, but I am being specific in what I am looking to invest my time and emotions in. Dating in your 60s is not for the timid. I’ve got stories.

I am praying every day for God to send me his choice and for the ability to see it when he does. If it is not his choice, then I am fine with being alone but being alone is not my thing for sure. It has its moments, but I am not a fan. Going from “when can we see each other again?” to “I’ll see you at home” is one of my biggest goals. I know I am looking for a “unicorn” but that is the exciting part. I met one once and I hope I can do it again. The hopeless romantic in me believes she is out there.

Some people get to meet the love of their life and then must learn how to live without them. Maybe I can allow someone else to captivate my soul without comparing. Maybe I do not need to be completely healed to realize love does not exist without the hurt.

I often think about a time, hopefully soon, where I can say to a special someone; “I asked God to bring my smile back and He gave me you.” We will see, stay tuned.

Broken Hearts Don’t Always Mend

Grief does not just take your person. It takes the world you knew. Your routines. Your normal. The version of your life that made sense when they were here. It is the strangest feeling, as if you are living in an alternate universe. Everything around you looks the same, but nothing feels right. You go through the motions, but the motions do not go through you.

I recently was a klutz and cut my index finger bad with a knife and had to go to an urgent care place and get it put back together. I did a number on it for sure. The doctor was really nice and as she finished she told me that (1) the pain fades over time, (2) it was going to take a long time to look normal again, (3) it will leave a reminder for the rest of my life, and (4) even after I heal there will be numb spots that will never go away.

The other day I hit that finger on something and realized that it had healed and that she was 100% correct. The pain did fade over time (it hurt like hell at the beginning!), it felt like it took forever to heal and look like a finger again. There is a permanent scar, and it is numb in spots. A perfect analogy for my grief experience.

My heart will continue to ache, and I may never heal completely, who knows. I am quite sure I will never not be without the thought of her. There is no walking away from that but maybe that is the way it is supposed to work.

I am feeling a bit long winded today, but I hope you stick around for the rest of the blog. You and I may be a charter member of the Mending Hearts Club.

But First… A Joke:

A man goes to a doctor and tells him, “Doc, I am happy with my life, and I want to be around as long as possible. How can I live to be one hundred years old?”

The doctor thinks for a minute. Looking the patient right in the eye, he says, “If you do all of these things without fail, you should be able to achieve your goal.”

“Great!” the man says. “Just tell me what to do!”

“First, stop eating anything that tastes good. No more burgers, pizza, or ice cream. For you, it is all kale and smoothies now. You are also going to have to exercise at least four hours a day to counteract your metabolism. If you feel you do not have time, you must spend less time with your family, watch less TV - whatever it takes.” The patient looks dismayed but is taking notes. The doctor continues, “Good news: you can still drink. but no more beer or cocktails. Once a week, you can have half a glass of the most bitter wine you can find.”

“WOW,” the man says. “If I do all that, I can happily live to be 100?”

“Wait,” the doctor replies, “I did not say anything about ‘happily.”

Bonus Dad Joke:

What do you call a man who has no nose and no body?

Nobody nose.

A Verse to Contemplate:

“For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your Heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you do not forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.” - Matthew 6:14-15

Have I Told You This One?

When my girls had all moved out of the house and Michelle and I were at the very beginning of being empty nesters I asked her what she wanted to help her celebrate all those years she had put in to raising the girls and keeping our home. Without much hesitation she said she wanted to trade the Honda minivan in for a sleek new convertible. That sounded like a great idea to me but there was one problem. We were both very fiscally responsible and the Honda was paid off so we did not want to get rid of it until it started to cost us money. Well, Honda made great minivans and this one would not die. All those years of hoping our cars would last forever and now we are openly rooting for the Honda to die!

One day we hear some odd noises, and our hearts go pitter patter. We took it to the shop, and the mechanic said he found metal shavings in the transmission! Oh, happy day! We take it to CarMax, and they offer us $200 for it. The guy has this look on his face like, “this is a waste of time, they are never going to accept this offer.” He is surprised to find out that we are overjoyed at the offer. He is perplexed so he asks why we are happy to get nothing for the van, and we tell him the story, and he understands and shakes his head a little at these two loons. We just wanted not to have to pay to get rid of it and we got $200! On to the convertible store!

Sometimes you must get past something to get to the “better” something. In our case it was dumping the Family Truckster to get the fun car without a roof.

God works that way with me. How about you?

Broken Hearts Don’t Always Mend

If you read John 11 in the Bible, it tells the story of how Jesus brings his friend Lazarus back to life as he lay dead in a tomb for several days. Most people focus on Jesus raising Lazarus (how could you not?). Only few notice that Lazurus comes out still bound. Many people think the miracle in John 11 ends when Lazarus comes out of the tomb, as that is what everyone remembers; where Jesus calls his name, the dead man comes out, power is displayed, and mourning turns to shock. But that is not the real ending or the main message of the story.

When Lazarus comes out, he is still bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face is wrapped with a cloth. In other words, he is alive but still wearing what belongs to death. Then Jesus says, “Loose him, and let him go.”

It is impossible to be changed by Jesus and still carry traces of your past struggles. You have left the tomb, yet some habits and fears may remain. Like Isreal left Egypt, but Egypt’s mindset followed them, freedom is a process requiring more than a single step. Jesus did not only call Lazarus out of death. He dealt with what death had left attached to him.

Jesus does not shame people for starting out slowly. He does not say, “If you were really free, you would have no graveclothes left.” He calls people out of what destroyed them, and then He deals with what is still clinging to them. Jesus speaks life where there is death and He keeps working with you until nothing from your past defines you.

Grief changes you (have I mentioned that?). Speak to yourself in kindness. Release unrealistic expectations. Honor your limits without guilt. Allow joy without shame. Be patient with your healing. Trust who you are becoming. Accept that you are not who you used to be.

I have been wobbling out of my brokenness fully covered in my graveclothes for close to five years now. I am not who I used to be. Some of my friends could not manage that and they are not my friends anymore. That is unfortunate but necessary and appropriate.

If I and other grievers were pure honest, we would say that they were not okay and were tired of saying that we are. Some days I do not want to be strong. Smiling does not mean I am not grieving. I miss who I was before loss. Platitudes are not helpful. Grief does not mean my faith is weak. Asking about my wife does not make me sad.

I have been going through this, but the best is ahead for me. I am out of my self-imposed ‘tomb.” I believe I have gotten rid of the old van and now am ready to take off in the fun convertible for the rest of the ride with a bunch of highways in front of me.

Ever notice the one thing in common about the stories of people that were healed and even brought back to life in the Bible? They are no longer here. Death eventually did its thing. But God is in control of that. We are given a gift of life, and we are to make the best of that and glorify the Almighty in the process. He has a “better” plan for me and I am excited to see what it is and ready to love and embrace the journey. I am not sure why it had to be this way but here we are.

If you remember the story of Job in the Bible, he lost everything and I mean everything. He was a wealthy man with a great family and honored the Lord in all he did. Then it happened. It got so bad that his wife told him to curse God and die! (Thanks honey). Do you remember what happened to him? His life was restored and was many times better than it had been. I am sure his heart still hurt but God restored him. I like how that sounds.

Thanks for your time today. Let us pray for each other and make our time here a convertible with the top down.

Broken Hearts Sometimes Mend

A Prayer:

Lord, I covet to know “what’s next” for me. I need forgiveness for my impatience and ungratefulness. Thank you for the recent divine appointments you have provided that align me with your purpose and bring me back to your way. Open my eyes to recognize opportunities you orchestrate and truth you are showing me. Guide my steps so that I may walk in obedience and humility, ready to fulfill your plans in your timing. May every encounter be a chance to glorify you. Forgive me for wanting the world’s happiness more than your Plan. Help me to always learn and grow in truth. Open my mind to new perspectives and wisdom. Guide me in discerning what is right and true. Help me to walk away from the “good” and towards the “best.” May my pursuit of knowledge be grounded in your Word and lead me closer to you and your will for my life.

Book Recommendation:

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins (2024)

Music Recommendation:

Strings! by Pat Martino (1967)

Quote of the Day:

“When I hear someone sigh, “Life is hard,” I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?” - Sydney J. Harris

Cool Place to Visit:

Auburn, Indiana