“No One Falls Out of the Boat”

Hello out there in blog land! I hope you are ready for another installment of the Stories and Tales from a Tire Builders Kid, aka, A Table for One. The last few entries have had a serious tone as I navigated through some thoughts and stories about grief and dealing with some personal struggles. I appreciate your attention and patience and for walking through some of that with me. It is therapeutic for me at times to write out what is going on in the old noodle. I have decided to make this version a lot more upbeat and a lot less serious.

On a side note: I was curious to discover that according to the blog statistics over the past year, I have had 131 people from China read this blog at one time or another. Sounds legit to me, right? […Right].

The inspiration for today’s blog came to me as I was telling a story to a good friend about some of the shenanigans I got into with some friends many, many years ago. This one was with my best friends Bob Kelly and Ken Harris (for all of you checking in from China I think I can produce their social security numbers and their mother’s maiden names for a price).

It was one of those stories that I had not thought of for a long time and then suddenly, it jumps back into my thoughts. I was laughing at my own story as I was telling it. Man, I’m so happy we did not have cell phones, computers, and social media when I was growing up. We had to go out and do stuff and build relationships. What a blessing to have the memories we all have and to have lived a life with some good stories to tell!

Bob and Ken grew up together in the Betty Jane area of Ellet and I grew up with the cooler kids in the Ritzman area (IYKYK). We all started to hang out when we all bowled together in junior leagues at Roll-A-Way lanes on Saturday mornings in our early teens. When we got to Ellet High School, Bob and I played football together for a couple of years. The three of us played baseball together all through little league and into high school. We all went to college together and Ken and I ended up getting the same degrees and had almost identical professional careers. I cannot confirm or deny that there may have been some weekend festivities that we joined in together as well. Once again, I’m glad there weren’t cell phones back then! Maybe in future blogs I will share some of those but for today, let’s just say we liked hanging out together…. A LOT.

As we slogged through the college years, we still played ball together whenever we could. We got rather good at softball and won some leagues and continued to build some strong bonds, but life was changing for sure. Ken graduated first and promptly moved to Florida where he still is today. I graduated next and moved to Georgia after getting married and trying to find work in a very transitional time in Akron. Bob ended up about a semester or two short of his degree and ended up moving to Chicago and then to Washington, DC to run hotels before moving back to Akron. We talked less during those years, but when we did get back together it was a blast and we felt like we had not missed a beat.

In 1993, the Cleveland Indians played their final season at Municipal Stadium, also known as “The Mistake on the Lake.” As devoted Tribe fans, we decided to reunite in Ohio for one last game at the Old Gray Lady. It had been too long since we had enjoyed time together, and this was the perfect reason for everyone to head “home.” We made plans, met up, and watched the Indians play the Detroit Tigers. As I remember it, we had an absolute blast—sharing stories, getting into shenanigans, eating hot dogs with Bertman’s mustard, ribbing each other, and simply enjoying being together again, even briefly. We had so much fun that, as we headed back to our new homes, we promised to reunite the following year for a game at the new stadium, Jacobs Field, and see the exciting young players everyone was talking about.

The summer of 1994 is coming around, and we made good on promises to each other. As we walk into the new baseball cathedral known now as The Jake, we are like eight-year-old kids at Christmas. GOODNESS! This place was impressive, and the Bertman’s mustard was flowing. We could not believe what we were seeing but we were no doubt deeply impressed with the new digs and the exciting new team that was winning games and creating a buzz on the North Coast.

Based on the recent success of baseball trips to Ohio we start thinking about doing it again at this beautiful new building in 1995. One problem, the Tribe is doing so good and the new stadium is such a hit that tickets are hard to come by (Side note: Cleveland goes on to have sellouts for over 440 consecutive dates). Bob suggests that we come to Chicago where he is working and catch the Tribe playing against the White Sox. There is no problem getting tickets at their new field for sure. If we play our cards right maybe the Cubs will be in town as well and we can catch a game, there. This is exactly what we do, and we are now taking our shenanigans on the road!

Hey Mark, not for nothing but what does all of this have to do with Falling Out of Boats?

I’m glad you asked. Please stick around a little bit longer and I think you will get a good snicker or three out of the rest of this Three Amigos story, I promise!

But First… A Joke:

I was a total mess. My career as a salesman was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My wife did her best to be supportive: “You are a great salesman,” “You are a wonderful equestrian,” “You’re the most handsome man I know.”

One day, after another bad ride, I told her my horse seemed depressed. “How do I cheer up a horse?” I asked.

She shared her secret with me: “Tell him he’s good at stuff and that he looks handsome.”

Bonus Dad Joke:

I went to the beekeeper and asked to buy twelve bees, but he gave me thirteen. I said to him, “Sir, you gave me too many.” He responded, “That last one is a freebie.”

I’ll show myself out….

A Verse to Contemplate:

“God is so rich in mercy and loves us with such intense love” - Ephesians 2:4

Have I Told You This One?

Welcome back! I’m glad you are still with us.

Once Ken moved to Florida, he adapted to the sunnier lifestyle immediately. He gets into great shape from lifting weights, running road races, and all that the healthy lifestyle has to offer. He calls me up and asks me if I am planning to run the Peachtree Road Race in Atlanta because he is interested in coming to town and participating. It may come as a complete shock to some of you, but I am not into running so I let him know he is welcome to come and stay with me and I will be his cheerleader during the race but I have zero desire to run that race in the July 4th heat in the ATL. I do offer a compromise though. Instead of going on another baseball weekend this year with the three of us why don’t we meet in Atlanta, and you can run the race and then the next day we can go whitewater rafting up in Tennessee? Bob decides to come in for it, and I ask Michelle’s brother Rick to join and make it a foursome.

Ken kills it at the Peachtree and gets the coveted t-shirt for those who finish. We all spend time together on my deck for most of the night before our trip to Tennessee with some more shenanigans (much to Michelle’s chagrin) and in the morning we head toward Cleveland, Tennessee, and the Ocoee River for serious whitewater. This is where the Olympic kayaking and other water events were held for the Atlanta Olympics. I had been down the river a half dozen times before and was the “expert.”

On the three-hour drive up to the outfitter that was taking us down the river I sense that Bob is not sure about all of this. He is a big fella, and I had never seen him too afraid of much of anything, but what I was just finding out is that he is not particularly comfortable in the water. He is asking a lot of questions, and I can tell he is concerned. I try and calm his nerves and let him know in my most convincing voice, “No One Falls Out of the Boat!” He is clearly not convinced. I can see he thinks I’m setting him up. I laugh to myself but try multiple times to assure him that it is going to be a lot of fun because “No One Falls Out of the Boat!” I promise!!

We arrive at the outfitters place at the bottom of the run. We are sized for life jackets, helmets, and oars. Bob looks at me with a “why do we need life jackets and helmets” expression on his face. I once again assure him that it is cautionary because… (say it with me) “No One Falls Out of the Boat!”

We then must watch a safety film about what happens IF you Fall Out of the Boat.” Now he is really spooked. Ken and I have a good giggle at his expense but are still trying to convince him that he is safe and you will love it. Bob is still staring me down with the “then why do we have to watch a safety film?” look on his face. I don’t have a snappy comeback for that one. During the safety film they tell you to keep your feet up IF you fall in, how to get back in the boat, yadda, yadda. Once that is over, we jump onto an old school bus and are driven up to the top of the run. All during the drive I can feel Bob’s eyes burning holes in the side of my head!

Once we get up there, we meet our guide and some other people that will be sharing the ride with us. Our guide is put together and I’m quite sure at this point that he does not need most or all of us to get through the rapids. He shows us how to set our feet in the bench in front of us and how to set our heels in the seat behind us, so we don’t Fall Out of the Boat!” He tells us that he will yell out “DIG!” when he wants us to row to power through the rapids. He explains that rapids are graded from 1 to 5 and that we have some hairy ones as we navigate the course. Bob is now pissed!

We put the boat in the water; the guide makes sure we are all securely fitted in, we practice rowing and go through the different commands that will be coming our way and then finally we are rolling baby! All the others are sitting two to a bench and I am in front of the guide with a row to myself. I let the guide know that I had been down this one a few times and know that he has a safe run he is supposed to take us down but wondered if he could spice it up a little and do some of the crazier stuff in the big rapids. He gives me one of those “we will see” looks my dad used to give me when I asked for money.

We are floating along fine and then our first real raid is coming up ahead. He tells us to get ready and that this one is a two or maybe a three and that we will need to dig pretty good to get through. We are hunkering down as we hear it and see it coming and as soon as we hit the rapid full on, I am ejected clean out of the boat! No One Falls Out of the Boat, but there I am pulling my feet up and trying to figure out how I’m getting back on the boat when all of the sudden out of nowhere I feel the guide “one arm” me back in the boat. I’ll tell you what I am impressed. As soon as I get back in place I see Bob’s head slowly turn and say to me No One Falls Out of the Boat?” I smile and laugh until, I hear my brand-new hero, the guide, yell “DIG!” This was a pretty good rapid coming at us quickly and as I look up to start rowing, I see Ken in the first row start to fall out of the boat but at the last minute he reaches back and grabs my brother-in-law Rick by his “package” and that is the only thing keeping him in the boat, so, he is not letting go!! I’m laughing so hard I can’t row. Ken can’t row because well, you know why, and Rick is frozen and doesn’t dare move, because, well you know why. The guide is yelling for us to row, and we are all incapacitated in some why. Bob’s eyes are getting bigger as he is left to do the rowing.

We make it through and as we continue our way down the river, we do get to do some of the more dangerous stuff and have fun. At least I did. When we got to some calm spots, we were able to get out of the boat and float around and enjoy the cool water. As we drifted into the final turn, I knew that this would be a memory for the rest of my life, and I also knew that Bob would never EVER do this again. We were “one and done.”

Over the years after that we went back to going on baseball weekends. We went to Baltimore, Seattle, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Oakland, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and maybe one or two more. Sadly, we lost Bob in 2001, just before the 9/11 attacks on the U.S. That was a real lousy year. Ken and I tried for a few years to keep going and we had some good times, but we always wonder what it would have been like with the third amigo. We miss you old friend.

As I was writing this, I was trying to see if there was some bigger message other than some old friends having some good times together. For me, I thought of the times when I got a little “cocky” because I had done something before so I thought I could relax about the outcome. Life doesn’t always go by the script, and I rarely have the “control” I have over things. However, only playing it safe when you think you know what the outcome is a boring way to live your life.

Hit the Rapids my friends and dig as hard as you can (unless someone has a hold of your sensitive parts!) because No One Falls Out of the Boat!” I promise.

A Prayer:

Heavenly Father, I do not want to be a fool, deceiving myself to believe I know what’s best for me. I do not want to be cocky and believe that I will never fall out of the boat because of my own abilities and knowledge. Reveal Your ways to me and give me the courage to follow wherever You lead and to know that I am dependent on You for everything. I have hope because of Your love and forgiveness. Thank You for Your loving patience. Empower me to seek You with all my heart and live in Your presence.

Book Recommendation:

The Coffee Bean (A Simple Lesson to Create Positive Change) by Jon Gordon and Damon West (2019)

Music Recommendation:

Ashes and Dust by Warren Haynes (2015)

Quote of the Day:

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” - Michael Altshuler

Cool Place to Visit:

Knoxville, Tennessee