Five the Hard Way

Hey there! I appreciate your time to peruse another installment of my Stories and Tales from a Tire Builder’s Kid also known as the A Table for One blog. This latest update is true to its title as I am currently in Pensacola Beach, Florida by myself to spend some time of reflection and remembrance as the fifth anniversary of my late wife Michelle’s passing comes on Saturday.

Michelle passed on Sunday, August 22, 2021, at 1:23 pm in room 3416 at Kennestone Hospital, a place where Mal and Nat were born, a place where Preston was born, a place where she found out her kidneys were failing, a place where she visited our loved ones and friends who were sick.

I purposely decided to be alone on this trip to reduce the “clutter” in my head so that I could focus on the last five years as a “Table for One” guy. For those that may not know or remember, Pensacola Beach is where Michelle wanted to be interned and so we honored her request to place her ashes in the Gulf back in the fall of 2021.

Her final resting place is just off to the right of boardwalk #22C perfectly aligned in front of the cross at the top of the large sand dune. Each day that I have been here, I have taken the time to just put my chair near the space where we placed her ashes and sit there and think and have a beer or two and watch the sunset. I know she is not there but that small spot on the beach connects me with her in spirit and at this time of the year, I find myself in need of connection with her. It is hard to be the one still here, especially when that is not the way you thought it was going to work out. It raises a lot of questions.

Has the last five years been hard? In a word… YES. I have been on a spiritual, physical, and emotional roller coaster. I think the biggest thing to get my arms around since 2021 is that life changed too much. It went from the comfort of a settled day-to-day life with a devoted beautiful friend to being completely alone in 12 days. Life instantly felt like it stopped for me while everyone else was still cranking at Mach 2. The first two years my health went to the worst it had ever been and then I have spent the last three years digging out of that hole to get back to a place much closer to where I should be. I fought depression, became introverted in a lot of ways, became isolated, became very lonely, became truly angry, could not concentrate, doubted, quit my job, stressed to the max, to name a few. In short, I had lost my purpose and meaning. I doubted myself and my future for the first time in my life. I just felt lost and stuck. It was a tough place to be for sure but as the fifth anniversary closes in on Saturday, I am excited about the work I have done to get “me” back. I feel very blessed to be where I am. I have met some wonderful people that have helped me so much. The greatest thing has been to reconnect with my Lord and to find purpose once again. Apart from just one thing. I will share later about that “just one thing.”

For me, hindsight gives a clear picture of how faithful God has been. I need to always be replaying all those times in my mind. We are tempted during a crisis to wonder if God will be faithful to His promises. We focus on our problems, and our trust in God begins to waver. Reminding ourselves of his faithfulness is helpful.

As the anniversary of her passing comes around each year it impacts my thoughts and priorities. I have been challenged this year as I look back and try and see all the things God has done in my life and the life of my family through this event. I’ve gone over and over all of what I believe were my learnings, my lessons, my successes, my failures, and my hopes for the future. Except for “just one thing” it has brought clarity and meaning and it has been time well spent.

Over the past five years, I have had a great need for God’s renewing grace. It is not that I suddenly no longer trust him or believe in the goodness of serving him; it is simply that the weight of the world has a way of pressing down on me the longer I live. How about you? Deep disappointments caught me off-guard and shaped me in surprising ways. Simply put, what once came effortlessly (serving and doing good) in one season can, over time, become a daily struggle.

As Paul said in Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” There is a real temptation we may face to give up and grow weary in doing good. Everything simply feels too overwhelming, and we’re too exhausted or burnt out. There are seasons when faith comes freely, and there are others when it is an act of the will, a step of faith that requires courage and perseverance.

This isn’t a sign that something has gone wrong. No, it is a source of hope and encouragement, for it is in the struggle that our faith is made firm and we become the men and women we were made to be. In every time and place, the Lord is with us, and in his presence, we are made whole.

One thing that was reinforced by Michelle's passing is that we are not guaranteed anything and that our time here can end very quickly. As the psalmist David said, “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is” (Ps 39:4–5 NLT). It is vitally important that we know we belong to Jesus, and that we live our lives with the mindset that our days are numbered. Michelle knew she belonged to Jesus, and she lived her life in such a way as to bring honor and glory to him.

I was blessed beyond what I deserved to have known her for 45 of her 60 years. For the accountants in the house, which is 75% of the years the Lord gifted her with. I looked up to my wife in many ways, and I never got over being amazed by her.

She also never undercut my leadership in front of the girls even when sometimes she did not agree with my decisions. That takes a special person. She made me a better leader and person.

I admired her character, integrity, honesty, drive and work ethic and I tried hard to match her in my personal life as well as my professional life. Through all our challenges over the years, Michelle always stepped up and did what she thought needed to be done for our family and allowed us to move forward and keep going and I am forever grateful.

Thank you for hanging around this long and please stick around a little longer, I think you might enjoy our time together.

But First… A Joke:

Q: Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

A: It’s because they're so good at it.

Bonus Dad Joke:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese

A Verse to Contemplate:

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing - James 1: 2-4

Have I Told You This One?

So, Mark are you going to tell us what that “just one thing” is? Glad you asked, yes. As I have experienced so many things over the past five years, the “one thing” that has been missing is…. JOY. There are many verses in the Bible that deal with the joy of the Lord. It tells us that we are to consider it ALL joy. I must admit that has not been my reality. It has been a hard tough struggle with moments of joy but if I’m honest, it has been nearly impossible to find much joy in all of this. Perhaps that is a deficit in my faith or immaturity, being I’m just saying. It has been my biggest mystery of all over the last five years, where is the joy? I’m as good as anyone to put on a smiley face and press the flesh but if I’m honest, something is missing.

Before his crucifixion, Jesus told his disciples,

“You have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” (John 16:22 ESV).

I have never felt a greater sorrow than when I watched Michelle pass into eternity. For me, the anguish felt like it is beyond my ability to endure. At times I felt emotionally crippled, felt stuck and paralyzed. The life that I shared with Michelle was gone and my life changed so much that it was hard to even understand what life would be like going forward. But just as Jesus gave his disciples hope, he gives hope to all who belong to him, who have trusted in him for the forgiveness of sin and in his promise of eternal life for all believe on him. Jesus said, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) Jesus’ promise gives me comfort and provides motivation to you and me to not just survive, but to thrive in the life he has blessed us with.

For all who trust in him, he has promised we WILL see our loved ones again. Second, he promised that our sorrow WILL be replaced by joy. Third, he promised no one WILL ever take our joy away!

There is no greater joy for me as a Christian than to know that I will once again see her beautiful face and the faces of those who have been called home to Glory before me. Until that glorious reunion, I find joy by learning to live out my salvation.

I want to share part of a letter I read to her when I went to visit her in the ICU right before she was called home to eternity. She was very heavily sedated on a ventilator, but I hope somehow, she was able to hear this and knew that I was there. Here goes:

Honey, I love to think about you. I am sorry that I could not be with you before now, but I wanted to thank you for everything before you go. I have known you since we were both kids, but I find out so much more every year, when I really pay attention. When I thought of the many possibilities that make you so great, I smiled since the list is so long. Knowing where to start is the most difficult part. I know you might roll your eyes at me, but you are the most amazing person I have ever met.

I am thankful that God gave you wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him. Thank you for standing by me when I deserved if the least and needed It the most. You signed up for a tough job, and you did it with excellence and grace.

I am thankful you are a woman of prayer and that you pray for me, the girls, the dudes, and our beautiful grandsons. I am thankful your faith is not something you fit into the rest of your life, but that it IS your life and while you love me and all of us with your whole heart you strive to love the LORD with all that you have. Your faith and our faith together as a team is the most important thing in our lives. It shines through when times get tough, and I see it on display during good times as well.

I am thankful for the many sacrifices you made for our marriage and our family. You made them out of love for us. You made a vow to God and me on August 7, 1982, and you did not break those vows all the way through to today. Today it is looked on as foolish to think of others more than yourself and to commit to a relationship for eternity. You not only made good on your promise to God but to me and all the others that were a witness at our wedding. I have tried my whole life to figure out why our marriage worked while others did not. I believe that your fully committed love for God and for me is the reason. You honored me so well and I thank you.

I am thankful you love sports and that we were able to have fun watching our Brownies and Buckeyes together! There is not anyone else I would want to watch a game with. You crack me up when we are with the other families watching a game and the ladies want to talk instead of watching the game and you eventually sneak back in with all the guys for the game. I remember hearing you in the stands cheering for me when I played in high school. I remember you being the prettiest girl in the homecoming court just like your dad said. You are forever my Queen.

I am thankful we got to spend two weeks together traveling the west coast together. I could have done that the rest of my life. When I think of all the dreams we had when we were just starting out if felt like we were living the fruit of our work and God’s unbelievable blessings on our lives. To see you enjoying the beauty of God’s creation felt like a little bit of heaven. I could only imagine the beauty you will see now. I can picture you sitting with your head tilted back to take in all the sun.

I am thankful that you are a person of integrity. I never wondered if you loved me, and I never worried you were doing something outside of our marriage. I believed everything you told me, and I trusted that you would not lie to me. I loved the way you treated people and even though they did not always get it at first sometimes, being straight up deadly truthful to someone is the highest form of love there is.

I am thankful for a wonderful life. I see so many around us that never got to experience true love and happiness as well as purpose for their lives. You gave me all of those and so much more. I am thankful for 39 years of marriage and I will do it again tomorrow. Thank you, Father, for making Michelle extra special and for the blessing of matching us up. I am forever thankful and highly honored.

I miss her deeply, but I am confident she is not good, but awesome. We overuse that word. Awesome should only be used for places like heaven, not for sporting events or food. Michelle is doing awesome.

Michelle was not afraid to die. She told me many times. She felt secure in her eternal home.

Imagine what it is like to not give a second of thought to a clock or calendar.

Imagine the best day of your life times a million that never ends.

Michelle had a horrible 60th birthday. We were in the waiting room for over 8 hours, and it was nothing short of a horror show. When we finally got back, and she was seen they said they were going to admit her, but it would take hours until a room opened. There was nothing more I could do, and I wouldn’t be allowed to see her since the hospital was on lockdown due to Covid-19, so I got up to go home. As I was leaving, I bent down to her in her bed and put both my hands on her face and looked deep into her eyes and our eyes locked in a special way. I prayed for her and then told her I loved her and left. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would be able to talk to her and tell her that I loved her. Lesson learned, don’t wait.

I then thought of what happened at 1:23 pm on the worst day of my life and how once she left this earth her spirit was instantly in the presence of God. I believe that she was greeted by Jesus who put his hands on her face and locked eyes with her and said I Love you and Well Done Good and Faithful Servant.

This is not our final home. She is now Home, and it is eternally awesome. We will see her again when it is our turn. When you think of her today and later, take time to consider your eternal destiny, we all want to be reunited for eternity in our heavenly homes.

At the hotel where I am staying at the beach, they have a marquee out front. They change it every day to welcome folks to celebrate. Todays was the following: Welcome Bud and Marge and Congratulations on your 53rd Wedding Anniversary. I felt a tug of jealousy and sadness to be honest. I envy those who still have their spouse around and celebrate another year together. It would have been forty-four for us on August 8th. I’m happy for Bud and Marge though. That sounds like a couple that should be together for 53 years, doesn’t it?

I’m not going to lie to you all. I’ve done Five the Hard Way. I know there are people who have suffered and grieved more than I have. I know life is hard and will always be hard and I should not expect anything different. At the same time, I have come to a good place, and I am continuing to get better and grow as a person. I hope you never have to go through something like this, but the truth is that you probably will. I had ideas and hopes of how I would manage it if it happened to me, but reality is the true teacher. I have had my successes and failures, and my faith has been tested in the fire. I’m still looking for joy in all things. That is a tough one, but I can look back over the last five years and smile. God has shown me grace and mercy and continues to forgive me and sustain me. I am at peace that Michelle is an awesome place and living the best part of her life. I miss her and wish it could have been different, but I choose now to find my joy in the years we did have together and try not to get to get caught up in what we are missing now. They were great years together and she made my life amazing.

I’m thankful for the last five, even Five the Hard Way.

A Prayer:

Lord, teach me gratitude and contentment in every circumstance. Help me to recognize your blessings, big and small, and to be thankful. May I find joy in your provision and trust your plan for my life. Fill my heart with contentment, for I know you are enough. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you as I live in anticipation of this glorious promise. May the hope of eternal fellowship with you fill me with joy and inspire me to live a life worthy of your kingdom. Amen.

Book Recommendation:

Life is Hard. God is Good. Let’s Dance.: Experiencing Real Joy in a World Gone Mad - Brant Hansen (2024)

Music Recommendation:

Artful Dodger by Artful Dodger (1975)

Quote of the Day:

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” - George Carlin

A Cool Place to Visit:

Pensacola Beach, Florida